Beyond Good Vibes: Exploring the Deeper Dimensions of Energy in Relationships

I see a lot of posts these days warning us to be careful of the energy that we release. While I somewhat agree, it is only to an extent because this concept is quite ablest in nature and borders on toxic positivity (good vibes only)… I think we need to take it much deeper.

Be cautious of the energy of the people you surround yourself with.

Well-meaning people can still cause harm. Consider intent versus impact—while people may not intend to harm others, the impact of their actions cannot be ignored.

Misery loves company
According to an article on Swaddle,

This is an elegant sentiment that continues to echo through time and space. For people who are unhappy, it is indeed a source of comfort to share their sorrow with people in similar situations. Their misery loves the company of others who may understand the sorrow and grief like no one else. It’s as if miserable people hold court with each other, where one’s misery is discussed like poetry and lofty ideas. There’s no supreme leader or jester, just a circle of empathy and shared unhappiness.
- Saumya Kalia

It is an absolutely essential component of the human experience to connect with others - and so necessary during our deepest emotional experiences like those of love, loss, and grief. Unfortunately, some people only value your friendship when they’re miserable, and their misery also makes you miserable.

Trauma dumping
While most people have a collective of sacred and trusted peers with whom they share their heaviest loads, sometimes lines can become blurred amidst the processing of their own trauma.

Some people get caught in the loop of trauma-dumping on anyone in their periphery.

I have found that it is essential to recognize and set boundaries around this for my own well-being. Having been guilty of dumping, myself, the mere awareness of the distinguishing characteristics between dumping and venting helped me to maintain my own personal parameters for disclosure.
The following is an excerpt from the article, Trauma Dumping: The Signs & Effects of Oversharing Trauma, from TalkSpace.com:

Is trauma dumping the same thing as venting?

When discussing traumatic experiences, we need to understand the difference between dumping and venting. Both involve sharing difficult experiences with others, but they serve different purposes.

Dumping is when we unload trauma onto someone else without regard for their emotional state or well-being. We might do this because we’re overwhelmed by our experience and need relief, or we may think the other person can fix us.

Venting, on the other hand, is a way of releasing some of the pent-up emotions associated with trauma in a safe and controlled manner. When we vent to another person, we’re mindful of their boundaries and only share as much as they can handle hearing. This allows us to process our emotions in a healthy way while still maintaining control. - Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

Fair-Weather Friends
Some people only value your friendship when things are light and happy, because any amount of discomfort is too much for them.

According to an article in The Atlantic, People Seek Out a Certain Kind of Person When They Are Happy: Your mood might have a big influence on the type of companionship you want. The article illuminates the following:

In essence, both happiness and unhappiness promote socializing, but apparently with different goals in mind. When participants were feeling unhappy, they were more likely to subsequently spend time with people who tended to boost their happiness. Best friends and siblings can be a salve; being known allows you to skip explaining yourself and focus on the problem at hand. And you already know whose side your loved ones are going to take: yours. - Olga Khazan

The Weight of Unsolicited Advice
Some people consistently offer advice and consider themselves experts on everything (including you) without considering that their experiences are vastly different from yours.

Recently, I came across an article on Ink.com which highlighted the power differential shared during advice giving which helped me to better understand why these experiences can often feel draining and leave me highly agitated. Psychology Says People Who Give Lots of Advice Secretly Want This 1 Thing: The tips might be useful. But don't be fooled about what motivates the speaker.

…Studies indicate that, even if you're not actively out to take the reins over others, giving advice can make you feel like you have some sway, which helps you feel more powerful. And if the idea of more power makes you drool, you're probably more likely to look for opportunities to tell others what to do.

Applying the work to your everyday interactions

Schaerer's studies suggest that getting yourself into positions where you can give advice can improve your confidence. For example, if you're feeling a little stuck and low on influence and don't have a way to immediately climb the ladder, mentoring would be a simple, positive way to feel better.

But let's look at the research the opposite way, too. If you are feeling more powerful because you're giving out advice like lollipops, what do you suppose the other person is feeling? They might recognize they need to learn or that what you say makes good sense, but you're still forcing them to see themselves as lower than you. Nobody likes to feel less than or incompetent for very long. -Wanda Thibodeaux

If certain friendships consistently drain your own energy by default, it is okay to communicate your feelings and needs. A simple script, such as, “When we’ve engaged lately, I have left each conversation feeling depleted. Can we try to avoid really stressful conversations for a while?” Or, “I’m having a really hard time, myself, and I honestly don’t have the spoons to carry the weight of some of our interactions when they’re consistently heavy.”

These interventions will NOT always be helpful. But if you truly value the relationship, they are a great place to start.

It’s also completely okay to step away from these relationships for a while. A mindful approach to understanding how others make us feel when we connect with them can help us protect our own sacred energy.

Deep thoughts as we head into the weekend, I know… One last whim: If you’re not familiar with the Spoon Theory, please take a trip down that rabbit hole. It was a game changer for me.

As always, friends. I’m so grateful that your Adventures brought you to ours.

You belong here. ♡